Monday, November 20, 2006

How CIA stole Oracle from the Russians

Dear readers,

At the UKOUG conference in Birmingham last week, the OakTable got a new member - Kurt van Meerbeeck from Belgium - the author of DUDE, Pepi and Pretoria, and a guy with a slight hint of humour.

His presentation had people laughing rather hard, and so I've chosen to publish his theory on Oracle's origin - in other words, how CIA stole the source code from the Russians, who had developed it originally!

Here we go, in Kurt's own words:

I believe, to truely understand X$ tables you need to have some basic knowledge of an eastern european language ... just to even pronounce them. Now - Oracle used to be named after a CIA project right ?

And Oracle hasexisted ... for how long now... 31 years ?

I think the Americans stole the source code from the Russians during the cold war - and asked Larry and his team to read in the tape (they were developing tape driver software weren't they).

Probably they were expecting some list of agents and I can imaging the CIA was quite dissapointed when they saw this source code full of X$ garble.

I guess they told Larry he could keep the tapes and on he went revealing this relational database power... of course they couldn't use the X$ stuff so they wrote V$ views on top of them ... so people could understand...

It's not a coincidence that after the fall of the Berlin wall a *lot* of features were added - Oracle 6 was almost a complete rewrite !!!

So to end this - and you are probably wondering about this ... how come Jonathan Lewis is such a wiz in X$ tables ???

There's only one explanation - MI6 ! His codename was probably OO-600 ... with a license to kill your instance ;-) (math-teacher ... yeah - right !)

Perhaps it should be pronounced 006-hundred?


Blogger Dimitri Gielis said...

Congratulations to Kurt! I think he's the first Belgian Oaktable member!

Somebody else to meet in my Quest to meet all Oaktable members and have a picture with them ;-)

Great story btw... I think Mogens is also a Russian! The way he can drink ;-)

4:39 AM  
Blogger Moans Nogood said...

Which reminds me I should tell Tuomas Pystynen's story about The Russian Drinking Contest.

I'll do that right now.

5:18 PM  
Blogger Noons said...

Hey Moans:

Dude, you Danes ROCK! :-)

2:56 AM  
Blogger Alex Gorbachev said...

The Russian Drinking Contest rocks!

12:04 PM  
Blogger Howard J. Rogers said...

xzxAs proof of this theory, I have always been fond of pointing out to students how they can find out the current position of their redo block pointer by querying X$KCCCP.

If you were born some time before 1991, you will no doubt immediately recognise CCCP as the Russian initials for 'Soyuz Sovietski Socialistisheski Respublici'... or, as we would call it, USSR.

They weren't very subtle about it, were they?!

1:06 PM  
Blogger Alex said...

Moans, I forgot to ask you how this fits into the GCC theory

7:11 AM  
Blogger Moans Nogood said...

Ah, Howard, that is one brilliant recall from your side - I had forgotten about CCCP, although I learned a Hell of a lot about it during my military years.

More importantly I remember 'CCCP' from my years of collecting stamps.

Those were the years when the Russians and the nations they had invaded consistenly came out with many, many shiny and beautiful stamps, while the West kept doing their boring, sort of dusty-colored stuff (if colored at all).

CCCP it was. Forever.

Now, my Russian friend Alex Gorbachev: It is now your turn to re-tell the story you told me about cleaning car windows on a Lada 1200.

That story had me laughing all the way home from Birmingham the other week.

As for the GCC, I must admit that the sheer magnitude of the thing:

The way they planned to take over all our databases ('all your bases are belong to us' is not what we thought) four decades down the road.

The way they have planned all along to poison leading DBA's (Dissidents Beyond Apprehension?).

It's shocking. And there's nothing we can do, except install the Oracle Vault option (in which there no doubt is a back door for the FSB).

3:14 PM  
Blogger Alex Gorbachev said...

In the right time after the right amount of right liquid that story will probably surface again.
Darn... I wouldn't mind cleaning those windows just now... ;)

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